Fast forward three years; I couldn't imagine being happy in any other job. The joy that you experience by being a part of these moments in peoples lives is unimaginable. We see women in their weakest and strongest moments; we support them in bringing life into this world and grieve with them through loss; labor and delivery nurses are strong, empowering, intelligent, and incredibly diligent people. There are many fragile moments in the course of childbirth; an experienced labor and delivery nurse will navigate these moments flawlessly and fearlessly while always supporting and encouraging the patient.
I haven't strayed or faltered along many paths in life. I always knew i wanted to be a nurse, a mom, a wife... I never knew i would become a labor a delivery nurse and i absolutely could have never anticipated how important childbirth would be to me.
GETTING OUR FEET WET
As a first time mom i had very little experience with labor; my expertise was in the postpartum arena but despite this throughout my pregnancy i felt confident in my desires (birth "plan") and secure with the nurses and doctors who i knew would be taking care of me. But, when the time finally came to have our baby i had feelings of doubt, frustration, regret, communication issues with my nurse and my husband; we were lost. By the end I felt angry, sad, discouraged, and helpless. On top of all of that Adrienne misbehaved leading to a traumatic delivery experience with a challenging recovery. Adrienne spent two days in the NICU, went home for 12 hours and was readmitted for another 12 hours. I remember taking my daughter home and laying with her on my chest for the first time when she was 4 or 5 days old and thinking this is the first time i have really just held you. Every encounter we had previous to that moment was business oriented (feeding, changing, soothing, etc.). I love my daughter, and i am sure that i loved her from the moment i saw her but i never felt that moment.
I've always known that childbirth isn't always romantic, i expected it to be challenging but i was not prepared for what we experienced. I was and always will be thankful for a healthy daughter, i do believe that the right decisions were made to support her well being and i will always stand by that but i still walked alway from my first birth disenchanted with the whole process, i felt like my body had failed me and struggled with that for many months.
The struggle came to fruition when i went to the OB course and finally had time to really process everything and also finally had the knowledge to understand that there was a potential that things could have been done differently for me. I had many amazing nurses throughout this process the nurse who admitted me and the one who was there for delivery/ recovery were amazing. My obstetrician was great and there were many beautiful comments made and moments of encouragement that made this experience the best it could be. The NICU treated us well and the postpartum unit was amazing to me. There was however that one person who i just didn't connect with; i didn't feel as a patient that my desires or interests were important to this person. I was given the impression (whether true or not) that this was going to happen their way and not mine. This lack of connection was what ultimately led me to feeling helpless and discouraged in the end. I felt like i couldn't fight for myself, my husband didn't know how to fight for me, and the person i had hoped to guide us through this was more interested in doing things their way. I felt alone in a time that i should have felt empowered and surrounded by a supportive team. I didn't have crazy desires or weird requests i just wanted a delivery that was as smooth and natural as possible and i wanted to be unmedicated as long as possible. Needless to say none of those things happened.
I will never know if we would have had the same delivery, NICU stay, readmission and all that jazz had i gone into spontaneous labor, not gotten an epidural and advocated for myself better but after much reflection i was bound and determined and very hopeful (because we really don't control birth) that it could be better the next time. I was/ am/ and always will be thankful that i have a beautiful healthy daughter and i acknowledge that there are many things that could have been worse and many women have experienced worse deliveries than mine was. However, through this experience i learned that although having a healthy baby and mom is always the ultimate goal and should always be the first priority the "experience" is important also. This is what makes our and the people who do this job so special, this is why it is a labor of love.
GOALS FOR THE FUTURE
After conceiving our second child (Harrison) i spent many hours reflecting again on what had happened with Adrienne and many more hours hoping, praying, and trying to plan for a better experience this time. I again had no crazy requests just a simple desire for a smooth, mostly natural, hopefully unmedicated delivery. Throughout my entire pregnancy i focused on looking forward, controlling the things i could and letting go of the things i couldn't, planning what i could and ultimately hoping for a blessing. When i dreamed of having children i always dreamed of giving birth to my baby, bringing them to my chest and feeling everything love, pride, relief, joy, sadness, strength. Childbirth is hard; physically and emotionally challenging, and far from glamorous. But despite its challenged it is empowering and magical. I experience this and strive to create this for other women every day and all i ever wanted was to experience the magical and empowering type of birth; i wanted to fight through contraction pain; work harder than i had never worked before and get the ultimate reward in the end. I wanted to know that if i had another traumatic birth it was because that was what god intended for me and not because there could have been missteps in management of my care or a miscommunications that created the perception of a potential misstep. Ultimately i achieved my goals, and the path that it took for my body to get there was mostly what i expected but there were many things we encountered through this experience that were unexpected and that is really the purpose of this blog post.
A LABOR OF LOVE
As a nurse i have read beautifully written blog posts, thank you cards, etc. giving a shout out to the labor and delivery nurse who took care of them. I have been witness to this countless times as a nurse but i had never quite experienced this as a patient. I will never know exactly what was lacking in our first birth experience but the second has far surpassed any of my expectations.
I knew that i would be well taken care of by my coworkers and peers no matter what the outcome was but what i could have never expected was how hard they would work for me.
I labored unmedicated at the hospital from 5-6 cm up until 8-9cm. This time period took me a little bit longer than i expected (4-5hours) and i cannot place a single moment that my nurse wasn't there for me. If she wasn't supporting me she was standing in the room charting while providing encouragement and guidance to my husband. She would stop typing to apply counter pressure to my back or hold my hands. She put me in positions that i initially hated her for but ended up being so incredibly thankful for.... She was everything that we never knew that i would need. She respected my goals and empowered me to achieving while also diligently monitoring our baby and charting her life away. The midwives who took care of me also spent a ton of time in my room. They coached me, encouraged me, and worked as a team with me, the nurse, and my husband. I felt like i had as much control as i possibly could, i felt strong, supported, and empowered. When i threw in the towel and got an epidural very close to the end they advocated for me and worked cooperatively with the CRNA to give me the perfect epidural for me... When it came time to push they asked what i wanted and how i wanted them to help; the afforded me options and in turn gave me power. They involved my husband in every moment including allowing him to help deliver his son and after he was born the baby nurse afforded us essentially unlimited skin to skin time. Now, none of these things could have been possible without a cooperative baby and for that i am thankful. Nonetheless, our nurses and midwives and all of the nurses and doctors who never entered our room but did stand by watching my baby on the monitor to ensure our safety are amazing people. Brad and I were both impressed by this experience and are thankful for all of the people who made it possible.
We were blessed with the opportunity to have such a beautiful experience and are so amazingly thankful for the gift of new life that Harrison brings to this family.
Harrison Allen Gochnauer
May 30th, 2016
5:06AM
7lbs 1oz 20.5inches
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